Article Interview with TODAY on "How to deal with an unexpected loss, or support a loved one who is grieving"

Gen Zen: How to deal with an unexpected loss, or support a loved one who is grieving

Increasingly, people are becoming aware of the importance of mental health and well-being in our lives. In our weekly Gen Zen series, TODAY looks at ways that we can feel better while coping with the mental stresses of modern life.

• Grief is a natural emotional response to a significant loss that disrupts one’s life
• Counsellors and psychologists acknowledge that speaking about one’s grief can be challenging, due to the intense emotions and vulnerability involved
• Yet, it is important for one to articulate and process one’s grief to recover from it, experts said
• When seeking support, it would be helpful for grieving individuals to think about what they would need and to specifically communicate that to others
• To support a loved one who is grieving, extend empathy and offer active, non-judgemental listening

BY DEBORAH LAU, Published January 8, 2024

SINGAPORE — Having tried for a baby for five years, Eric (not his real name) and his wife were elated when they found out that they were going to become parents.

But their world was shattered when they lost their firstborn eight months into the pregnancy.

“By the time the pregnancy took an unexpected turn, we had already bought all those things in preparation for our baby’s arrival — crib, pram... We had even booked a nanny and paid our rental deposit for a bigger home,” Eric, a 39-year-old software engineer, said.

“It felt like a cruel twist of fate… I was completely crushed. My world collapsed.”

Overwhelmed with anger, guilt, pain and many other emotions, Eric found himself unable to support his wife in her grief.

“I found myself avoiding her when she cried, because I was at a loss as to what to do.

“I mostly stayed at home. I stopped working out, stopped doing sports, and I didn’t participate in any family or social gatherings.”

He even thought that it was his fault.

“I questioned myself: Why were we not alert enough to the warning signs? Why did we not exercise caution and head down to the clinic earlier? There were many ‘what if’s' and ‘should have, could have’ thoughts in my head.”

Faced with a deluge of conflicting thoughts and emotions, Eric turned to online research and sources for support — eventually seeking professional help through a grief recovery counselling programme.

SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF

Counsellors and psychologists told TODAY that Eric’s rollercoaster of emotions is commonly experienced by individuals who are grieving.

Ms Gracie Mak, co-founder and director of Whispering Hope Singapore, who counselled Eric through the grief recovery programme, said: “You are grieving when you react emotionally whenever you encounter a significant loss in your life that disrupts your lifestyle.”

Some symptoms of grief could include profound sadness, a sense of numbness, disrupted sleep patterns, changed eating habits and reduced concentration, she added.

Ms Caroline Ho, founder and counsellor at Calming Hearts Counselling, said that on the behavioural front, individuals may also face difficulties in decision-making, finding it challenging to make choices, or struggling to fulfil their usual responsibilities.

Beyond grief associated with the death of a loved one, Ms Ana Jeremiah, a counsellor at InContact Counselling and Training, said that it is important to recognise that grief can also be triggered by other significant life changes. These could include divorce, job loss or major transitions.

As grieving is a unique and personal process, everyone grieves differently. Hence, each person’s grief may manifest in various ways and be expressed differently, she added.

And while there is no definitive checklist to determine if one is experiencing grief, a general guideline is to pay attention to any prolonged display of unfamiliar emotions, behaviours and physical symptoms, Ms Ho said.

“If you are uncertain about your grieving journey, it can be beneficial to seek assistance from a counsellor or support group. These professionals can offer guidance and support to help you navigate through this challenging time.”

WHY ARTICULATING GRIEF CAN BE DIFFICULT, YET IS IMPORTANT

The experts said that speaking about one’s grief can be challenging, due to the intense emotions and vulnerability involved.

Individuals may fear judgement and a lack of understanding, or feel overwhelmed or shamed due to cultural and social expectations, making them hesitant to share their personal and often complex experiences, Ms Jeremiah said.

Dr Karen Pooh, a clinical psychologist at Alliance Counselling, said: “Discussing grief forces us to confront the raw and often overwhelming emotions that accompany loss.

"It requires us to navigate through the complex layers of sadness, anger and emptiness that can be unsettling.”

That is why people may sometimes choose to avoid conversations about grief out of an instinctive tendency to shield themselves from this emotional discomfort, she added.

Even though it may be difficult, it is important for one to articulate and process one’s grief to recover from it, the experts said.

“Suppressed grief does not just go away on its own,” Ms Mak said.

“It remains within our soul and over time, with accumulated unexpressed grief, not only our mental and emotional health will be affected, our physical health and eventually our overall health will also be impacted.”

To this end, speaking about one’s grief could help with processing the loss and coming to terms with the reality of the situation, Ms Jeremiah said.

“Verbalising grief helps the individual to express and release the emotions they are experiencing, gain a clearer understanding of their emotions, thoughts and reactions to the loss, and allows them to feel connected and supported,” she added.

Agreeing, Dr Pooh said that unresolved grief could eventually lead to various mental health issues, such as prolonged grief disorder (characterised by an intense and persistent grief that causes problems and interferes with daily life), anxiety or even post-traumatic stress disorder.

Actively processing one’s grief is hence essential for emotional healing, preventing long-term complications, and allowing individuals to ultimately restore and rebuild their lives after loss, she added.

HOW DO I HANDLE LOSS AND ASK FOR SUPPORT?

In dealing with the loss of a loved one, the feeling of emptiness after a funeral can be overwhelming when the flurry of activities have settled down, Ms Ho said.

“One should gradually establish a new routine and continue pursuing hobbies to find joy and accept the loss. Emotional impact during anniversaries or milestones should be anticipated and planned for, such as ensuring company or finding creative ways to commemorate the loss, like volunteering in the loved one’s name.”

When seeking support, it is also essential to be transparent and openly communicate the challenges one is facing. This includes being specific about the type of help or support required – whether it is practical assistance or needing someone to lend a listening ear.

Dr Pooh said that it is helpful for grieving individuals to check in with themselves on what they would need — be it physical, emotional, mental, relational or spiritual support.

In instances of shared loss, as with Eric and his wife, couples can also support each other in grief by openly communicating about their own feelings, being open to feeling vulnerable and actively listening without judging the other, Ms Jeremiah said.

“Grieving together can help to strengthen the bond of the relationship as they navigate these challenges together.”

HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING

Extending empathy and active, non-judgemental listening are keys to supporting loved ones through their grief, the experts said.

“Do not say you know how they feel because no one does, even if you have experienced similar loss. Do not tell them to get over it and move on,” Ms Mak said.

“Just be present and offer a listening ear. Do not give advice or make unhelpful comments,” she said, adding that receiving such remarks while grieving could cause one to feel judged instead of understood.

Dr Pooh suggested also offering specific, practical support to loved ones who are grieving, including helping with logistical matters such as organising the funeral, handling paperwork or dealing with daily tasks such as household chores.

Ultimately, grief is a normal response to loss, Ms Ho said.

“It is important to respect their need for time and space to navigate through the grieving process.

“At the same time, take care of your own emotional well-being and manage your involvement if it becomes overwhelming.”

For Eric, journeying through his grief ultimately helped him to speak more openly with his wife about their loss: “I was able to support her more effectively, by being a more attentive listener and not by trying to pile her with advice and solutions.”

On his own journey with grief, he said: “I know there will be bad days, and it will be a long way to full recovery, but I am equipped to mentally handle it.

"Very importantly, I no longer feel bad about feeling down. I just honestly let people know that I am feeling down.”